@MacAnnabella: Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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@mrtruthandsoul: I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
@SlabBaconBP: My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you're not better than everybody else.
@loneblockbuster: Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
@daemonic3: Possum 911: What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing? Possum: Oh yeah