Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
October already? What’s next? November????
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?