Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.