Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.