Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.