Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
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Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
peak technology
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or