Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this