@Kali_Mura: Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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@chrisanna4real: I'm not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well he called it a receipt...whatever.
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@jimmytorosian: I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.