Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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I’m an asshole.
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I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”