@LeahGoRound: Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.
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@mishakey: I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
@NicCageMatch: Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier's counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
@TedBundybitch: Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
@KalvinMacleod: [1st date] HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html> HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*