I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.