wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
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I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
british sex workers really pound for pound
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m being attacked 😭
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.