Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.