“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that