Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
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If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
How to make infinite energy.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.