Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow