Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
a lot to unpack here
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.