Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Hitlers gonna hitl
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.