Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.