@Dre_77_: Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
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@marinhubka: Shoe repair guy: so what happened? [cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet] Me: I stepped in a..puddle
@KThonvold: Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell "spider" first. They may even thank you.
@Schmoodles: Me: Girls' night in!!! Cat: I'm a cat. Me: You're my best friend. Cat: I'm not even a girl cat. Me: So it's like a date? Cat: Get help.