@Dre_77_: Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
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@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
@Dani_Feld: What they say: Want a bite of my sandwich? What I hear: How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
@lilgapeach30: Siri just said I'm looking for love in all the wrong places so I'm tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.
@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.