my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.