You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
That lamp looks PISSED.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week