Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
*updates tinder bio*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt