Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."

@lanyardigan: Please. My wife. She's very sick.

@AmishPornStar1: See ya later, alligator. After a while, crocodile. Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

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@Brampersandon_: [Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.

2

@HRTSMRT: My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

1

@cogentanalysis: I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

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