@FrancescaDykes: Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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@MacAnnabella: Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
@Pro_Jones_: Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's- Son: Dad please don't... Dad: Lawn gone.
@Aspersioncast: I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I'm a hippy and start talking about recycling.
@FattMernandez: Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?