Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
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I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.