Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud