Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma