Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I know this now 😂
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.