Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
can’t believe I got front row seats
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.