@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
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@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Your word is 'embarrassing' "Oh I don't mind, you can say it" No, it's really 'embarrassing' "Ok, I promise not to laugh"
@Marlebean: Me: My neighbor who's a doctor said it's healthy to sleep nude Friend: What type of dr? Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
@therealeatwood: [I wake up next to a fishing net full of salmon] But that means… [Cut to fisherman at sea, with my dreamcatcher full of howling goblins]
@XplodingUnicorn: 4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat? Me: No. You always go in the potty 4: I can stop Me: Apparently I negotiate with terrorists