@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
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@boring_as_heck: Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. "I don't know why we didn't think of this before," he said.
@ericsshadow: When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.
@jenyb4: Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true.