@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
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@withanewname: Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"
@internetluke: [snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?