@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Smug_Lemur: The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn't any pressure to add to the conversation.
@Reverend_Scott: Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected. "Why's that?" Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
@GrantTanaka: [band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE crowd: YAAAAAHHHH me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
@UncleDuke1969: Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.