Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.