Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…