Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Why font matters.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Free him
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.