@mlkef: Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I'll be a hero.
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@OneThirstyNaut: Interviewer: Where did you receive your education? Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate? Me: I yust got out in Yuly
@LeonEarlgrey: If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.
@jazmasta: My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl's house after watching "How I Met Your Mother" with her.
@Marlebean: *marshmallows *chocolate *graham crackers *lighter fluid *matches Cashier: "Going camping?" Me: "Nope" *wine *tampons