Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.