Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.