@waydybee: Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
@batkaren: KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: … MOM: … DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
@missokistic: Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.