Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My favorite female superhero
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
getting groceries
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.