Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
what are they serving at kfc then???
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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Morningbreath
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao