The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Not all heroes wear capes….
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.