COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.