I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.