Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.