Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Mhm.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
mom had nothing to worry about
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same