@SteveEllum: Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
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@PsychoCesc: The awkward moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.
@olerunkbitch: Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"