@SteveEllum: Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
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@truegritrumble: MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. ME: I'd like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
@Rollinintheseat: Coworker: "How was your weekend?" Me: "You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions."
@Cheeseboy22: "And then we'll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it." ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.