I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did