@SteveEllum: Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
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@BeCoco77: I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
@lemmywinkler: My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I've never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!
@ThePocketJustin: Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker. Me:He was much better at fighting than me. Police:Ok is there anything else?
@Carter_TCB: I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would've been a lot more interesting.