@SteveEllum: Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.
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@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
@matt___nelson: *beats dead horse* *kills two birds with 1 stone* *lets cat out of bag* *takes bull by horns* *breaks camels back* *gets kicked out of zoo*
@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.