Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.