Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten