@corinnemlwsw: Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
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@Stuccoman1: The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can't he read a magazine like a normal dog?
@HeyoShellz: Target employee: Describe your lost item Me: It's a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
@huntigula: [at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@WheelTod: I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I'll need to slice open a pocket.