@corinnemlwsw: Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.
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@IntrepidDeviant: So she was like, "Put on some protection". I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
@girlontapas: Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
@Ygrene: Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren't left with salad Deli Manager: Me: so what else are you lying about
@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.