Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Whisper out to librarians!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.