Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If I ignore life will it go away?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?