Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
At least try to make it slightly believable
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom