Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth