@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

@KeetPotato: [if trump wins somehow] alien: "i said take me to your leader" me: "dude i swear this is him"

@suzieQ0007: At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@tacos_y_cerveza: CW: Can I ask you something? Me: Don't talk to me until I've had coffee. CW: But you don't drink coffee. Me: *smiles and continues to work

@Jubafisher: If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored