Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?