@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
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@LMuenster: [orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I'll only have to tell my mom 'I love her' for them] Cashier: that'll be $5,364.32 Me: shit
@DonovanConvery: If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I'd like to eat now.
@bourgeoisalien: Human history is so awful, I think I'm just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.
@daemonic3: Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.