Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff