@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
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@Brampersandon_: [stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
@theshamingofjay: If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn't followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn't that bad.
@shanethevein: The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".
@Jaywoo74: Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.