Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.