Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The biggest mystery of our time
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”