Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.